In Defense of Comfort

We have built an entire industry around the topic of stress. We study stress, write about stress, read about stress, talk about stress, even consistently stress ourselves out over stress. We take classes, meditate, run, walk, eat and drink to reduce it. It seems that the topic of stress makes headlines at least once a week and it is safe to say that we’ve never been more aware of it and we’ve never been more awash in it. What about our children?

Stress, both good and bad in nature, has an impact on our brains and bodies. Our stress response is hardwired in our DNA as a survival instinct. When we experience what we perceive as stress or danger, our hypothalamus activates. Adrenaline is released into our blood stream, our heart rate increases, and blood pumps rapidly into our muscles and limbs. We’re preparing for “fight or flight,” as our senses intensify and our impulses quicken. Our bodies experience this when we have an argument with someone, when we face an emergency, and when we watch an action movie. Stress is part of life, from beginning to end.

Infants and young children experience stress as well. This can be hard to imagine, when one looks from the outside in at the life of a baby. “What do they have to be stressed about?!” we wonder. No deadlines. No bills. No boss. No responsibilities. “That’s the life,” we comment, as we watch babies on their backs, peacefully observing their world. But anyone who spends any time with babies or young children understands that their lives are full of stress. They’re completely dependent upon others for their very survival — it’s hard to fathom a situation in life that could be any more stressful than that. Babies don’t emerge from the womb trusting that they’ll be cared for. That trust must be established over time. Just as, over time, they learn that certain sights, sounds, feelings, and smells are nothing to be worried about (the garbage truck will come and then it will go) (you’ll feel hungry and then you’ll be fed) (Mom will leave, but then she’ll come back).

Infants and young children are also dependent upon the adults in their lives for regulating their responses to stress. Through us, they find and understand comfort. This comes through consistent loving, supportive responses to their distress. This comes through authentic, predictable relationships. The brains of infants and young children are working all the time to make sense of the world, so the least we can do as adults is to meet them halfway to scaffold that development.

Meeting them there and scaffolding them in this way is generally our instinct. When we hear a baby in distress, it’s our instinct to help. (It’s important to be aware that our deepest instinct is to make the crying stop and this is when the thinking part of our brain needs to override our instincts.) Our instinct to help must be balanced with our instinct to raise children who are resilient and competent and don’t fall to pieces at the smallest obstacle. We’re more than halfway through the year 2013, living firmly in the future, and we still worry about “spoiling” children by comforting them. Last week I heard a mom describe her ten-month-old as “a wuss.”

If an adult asks me for a hug, odds are I will give them a hug. If a child or an infant asks to be held, I’ll hold them. I think these are good rules to live by. It’s not up to me to decide whether your distress or sorrow warrants a sympathetic response. Where on earth does this notion come from: “Are they genuinely sad enough for me to want to help?” Feelings are feelings! There is no scientific method by which to judge, weigh, and measure them.

I have worked with many caregivers who have very strong feelings about comfort items and children. “Comfort items” are things like blankets, teddy bears, pacifiers, and thumbs. These items often provoke a surprisingly visceral response of disgust from adults. We judge the children using them and we judge (hard) the parents who give them to their child.

I would like to take this opportunity to come out in favor of comfort items. That’s right. My name is Jenn and I’ll give you a binky! Here’s why: they’re healthy, necessary, and appropriate. In addition, I don’t know a single adult who gets through the day without one. Comfort items look a little different (most of the time) in adulthood. Sometimes they’re a run, a smoothie, a cup of coffee, a cigarette, a certain song on repeat on the stereo, or a pair of lucky socks. (Have you recognized yourself yet?)

Look, let’s all agree on one thing: there is a time and a place for a comfort item. We don’t need them all the time and neither do children. There are downsides to prolonged, irresponsible use of pacifiers. In fact, that name alone is like nails on a chalkboard to me, along with the British term for the same (dummy) because that is where the trouble can start. They’re not to “pacify” a child. They’re not to quiet them for our convenience. They’re a tool that an infant or child may choose to use to lower their stress level, to relax. I believe there is a lot of value in empowering infants and young children to begin to manage their own stress. Little by little, with less and less intervention from loving adults, infants learn to calm themselves down when they’re upset. If a blanket or a toy or a binky is a part of the equation, the lasting impact is still positive. With continued love and support as they develop, that child will not need or want that particular tool forever.

The parents of a preschooler that I know were recently encouraging the little boy to break the habit of sucking his thumb. “He’s learning about bad habits,” they said. I cringed a little bit because while sucking his thumb is a habit, is it necessary to label it either good or bad? It’s just a habit that could be replaced with something else as he has developed new methods of coping with stress.

We are a society barely treading water in an ocean of stress. One step towards healthier living may be understanding that comfort items and coping skills and management of strong emotions starts before birth. A better world starts with how we are with our children.

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5 thoughts on “In Defense of Comfort

  1. April says:

    Nathan received his lovey when he was two months old from my husband’s aunt. He’ll be 6 in a month and still has it. Pictures from when he was 2 and younger all have the lovey in them. Then he started using it less during the day until he was about 4 and declared it was for night time only. He still has it at night and will bring it to the livingroom when he’s sick or overly tired. I believe it helped him through a lot of different situations. We now give loveys at all baby showers!

  2. JG says:

    Thanks for sharing, April! I love hearing how Nathan regulates himself 🙂 Long live the lovey!

  3. Jenn, if I haven’t yet told you this (or if I have, please hear it again), I adore your posts. You are insightful, loving, tactful and an excellent good writer. I agree with you 99.9% of the time, so I hope you won’t mind me questioning something here:

    “They’re not to “pacify” a child. They’re not to quiet them for our convenience. They’re a tool that an infant or child may choose to use to lower their stress level, to relax.”

    The truth is that pacifiers are chosen by the parent *way* before infants can possibly “choose” them to “lower their stress levels”. The parent chooses the binky, quite often because the crying is so excruciatingly uncomfortable to hear, and there begins a habit for many children. I don’t criticize parents for using binkies! But I have noticed with my 3 children that if these comfort items aren’t introduced (and our child’s difficult feelings are welcomed and supported from the beginning), they are completely unnecessary…

  4. JG says:

    Thanks, Janet 🙂 I really appreciate your feedback!

    Yes, that’s certainly true. I am not sure it is a choice that I would make for *my* own child, but the perspective that I write from is as a caregiver to children whose parents have made a choice and now those children DO make the choice for themselves. They do ask specifically for their comfort item of choice (from six or seven months and up). There are actually many different reasons that parents I have worked with have chosen to introduce a pacifier to their child, including reducing the risk of SIDS, offering it during episodes of teething, and using it upon the recommendation of doctors. Whether I agree with their reasons personally is irrelevant to the child 🙂 and I don’t believe that they are always a way of invalidating or avoiding the difficult, strong emotions of the children.

    I guess my main point is that I see and hear a lot of judgment towards parents and children regarding comfort items and I think it is really misplaced. There are very valid arguments against the way that certain comfort items are used (for example, one study found that the language development of boys in particular could be potentially delayed by inappropriate pacifier use), but that doesn’t mean that it is always “wrong” to use them or that they are unnecessary for every child in every situation (another study found that in cases of severe reflux, a pacifier could reduce the acid creeping up the esophagus, which seemed to prove true for my nephew). I can’t think of a single person qualified to make a sweeping judgment for others.

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