It Makes Me Sad

I encountered a flustered mom on the sidewalk outside my work building the other day. She was a mom that I knew by sight, not by name. For several months she and her son had been attending the parent-and-me class that takes place in the classroom next-door to mine a few times a week. Recently, she had made the decision to enroll her son in a preschool class that he would attend on his own for a few hours per day.

When I encountered her on the sidewalk, it was after one of her son’s first days in the preschool class. It was nearing lunchtime. Her little boy was refusing to get into the car to go home. Instead, he stood in the middle of the sidewalk, wailing, while the mom cajoled, threatened, and bribed in rapid succession to attempt to hurry him along. She was visibly flustered and frustrated, as nearly anyone would have been in her shoes. It is a unique test of one’s patience to stand in public alongside a wailing child. Even when you seem to be completely alone, you feel the sting and burn of a thousand eyes on you.

The mom glanced my way as I approached and, her patience at its limit, grabbed the little boy by one arm and hissed, “It makes me so sad when you don’t listen to my words!” The boy screamed as she finally lifted him up and put him inside the car.

I passed by and walked into the building to begin my work day, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the scene. I still can’t. And here’s why: this mom is a shining example of someone who is trying to do all the “right” things. She is really trying to use the “right” words with her child in a difficult situation. She once worked in a preschool setting herself, I had learned. I would have guessed at it, had I not been told. Because somewhere in the history of preschool training, parents and teachers began to use the phrase, “It makes me sad when you…” in an attempt to dissuade children from behaving in ways that make the parent or teacher feel a number of emotions that may or may not include genuine sadness. (Does it matter how the child is feeling?)

When the mom on the sidewalk glanced my way, I wanted to communicate somehow with my body language or facial expression or even with words that I was not judging her. I wasn’t. If anything, I felt empathy for her situation. Have you been there? I have. I’ve wrestled a reluctant toddler into a carseat more than once. It’s not fun for anyone involved. (Think how the toddler feels!)

I looked at the mom’s face as she hissed angrily at her little boy. His eyes widened as he looked into hers. Her mouth told him, “so sad,” but her face told an entirely different story, as plain as day. I wish she had told him what she was feeling. Why not? He was doing his very best to express his honest, raw emotions to her. (What was he feeling?)

In that long, uncomfortable moment on the sidewalk, the goal of this mom was most likely (we can presume) to get her child into the car so they could head home for lunch and a much-deserved nap. Thinking long-term, I like to imagine that the goal of this mom, who uses phrases like, “It makes me so sad when you don’t listen to my words,” is to raise an emotionally mature and connected individual. This is a mom, I imagine, who doesn’t want to snap and yell and berate her child. This is a conscious, caring woman who has read something about child development. She is someone like you, perhaps, and someone like me.

We know by now how incredibly valuable empathy is. It’s important to empathize with your child. Empathy is a package of abilities in the brain, shaped by experiences. The way I think about it, each time you meet a child with empathy, you’re helping to wire their brain for future success. Plant this seed in your own mind and you could quadruple your patience in trying times like the one described above.

I don’t believe you can be empathetic or teach empathy to a child without honesty. What does that mean in a real-life situation like this? It means that you don’t tell your child that their actions make you sad when what you’re really feeling is frustrated. You’re feeling angry and embarrassed. You’re feeling tired. (Of course you are!) Even if your child doesn’t have the words for these emotions, they know them. They know them in themselves and they see them in you. When you grab their arm and hiss about feeling sad, they probably don’t even hear your words but you know they see through you.

Being honest doesn’t mean joining them in their tantrum and screaming out your frustration too. It might mean crouching down in front of them, meeting their eyes with your own, and saying, “It sounds like you don’t want to stop playing and get in the car. It sounds like you’re really mad right now. I’m frustrated too. Your choices right now are to climb into your seat or to have me help you. Will you climb in or do I need to pick you up?” If you need to pick them up, you can tell them, “I hear you. I know you don’t want to fasten your buckles right now. You’re feeling really upset that we have to go. I’m upset too, but this is something that we have to do right now.”

Later, when your child has calmed down, you could talk more about leaving preschool and getting into the car. You might have to talk about it often over the next few weeks. Your child might tell you that it makes them upset when they have to stop playing. You might tell your child that it makes you upset when they scream on the sidewalk. It’s okay to tell your child that their actions make you feel whatever it is that they make you feel: angry, scared, frustrated, overwhelmed, even sad. What’s even more important, however, is to show and tell your child that you notice and care about what their actions express about their own feelings in that moment.

You may also be interested in the post Reunion Meltdowns.

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5 thoughts on “It Makes Me Sad

  1. Kinder-Touch says:

    It’s really hard to handle a preschooler’s tantrums sometimes so we really can’t judge mothers who do this. There are times that my kids also gets on my nerves but if we let them do whatever they want, for me it is not the right way to discipline them. Sometimes you really need a little force for them to follow you and to let them know what is right.

  2. JG says:

    I cannot agree more with the idea that we cannot let children do whatever they want (we can’t really allow for *anyone* to do whatever they want, whenever they want, right?). I think we’re saying the same thing in a different way — I would say “firmness” perhaps instead of “force”.

  3. Ava Parnass says:

    You make some really great points and I totally agree with you! Well done and well said.
    Just addressing the kids feeling I find helps the situation be managed much more effectively !

    As you showed by example most times I see parents are teaching emotional intelligence incorrectly as you pointed out as she is misidentifying how she’s feeling.
    This is perfect!
    I love “It sounds like you don’t want to stop playing and get in the car. It sounds like you’re really mad right now. I’m frustrated too. Your choices right now are to climb into your seat or to have me help you. Will you climb in or do I need to pick you up?” If you need to pick them up, you can tell them, “I hear you. I know you don’t want to fasten your buckles right now. You’re feeling really upset that we have to go.

    However The only thing I would suggest is saying she is frustrated once is enough:)
    I believe that parents should Not overburden kids with how they feel.
    Having empathy for what child feels is the most important .

  4. Nova says:

    My parents used these “techniques” when I was little. When they said things like “I see you are frustrated, me too. You can get in the car or I’m putting you in.” I never felt like my feelings mattered, which just made me feel worse. I *knew* what they were actually saying was “Shut up and get in.” even though they never used those words. When you just sail past how (you assume) the kid feels, you are in fact saying “Yep you’re mad. It doesn’t matter. Just do what I say.”

    “Oh I see you need my help” No. Kids do not need your “help”. They need you to actual LISTEN and RESPOND in a sensible manner. Saying “I see you are mad” is as helpful as saying “I see you have a ham sandwich”. You do NOT know what they are feeling, because you didn’t ASK. You ASSUMED, moved on, and told them to do what you want them to do.

    These “techniques” seem all lovey and helpful on paper, but in practice, to those of us on the receiving end, they make everything worse. When you do these things, you are not communicating your “understanding”. Think about that. Do you seriously believe you can just look at someone and understand what they are feeling? Try it on your spouse sometime, see what happens. You are not validating or acknowledging. You are saying, plain as day “Shut up.”

  5. JennG says:

    Hi Nova, I think there is a difference between giving lip service, as you describe, and doing things with genuine empathy. It sounds like you felt steamrolled, which indicates to me a lack of true empathy. You’re right that anyone can SAY these kind of things without meaning them. That doesn’t do any good for anyone.

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